Parenting Through Eating Distress

#25 on our 30 learnings from over 30 years working with people with ED

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.

Sue Atkins

Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.

Matthew Jacobson

How can I help my child when I am going through eating distress/eating disorder (ED) myself?

Many people ask this question, and the answers are not always straightforward. Being a parent in recovery from an eating distress is incredibly challenging. In today’s post, we explore some insights we have gathered over three decades of experience.

These days, many parents turn to denial as a coping mechanism. As mentioned in our previous post, Is Abnormality Becoming Normality, many behaviours we consider healthy are actually symptoms of distress.

In an ideal world, parents should be role models for their children. However, in today’s world, parents face increasing pressure, especially mental and emotional. It's essential to acknowledge that doing your best is sometimes all you can do.

If you're experiencing an eating distress, it's important to remember that you did not choose this condition. An eating distress develops subconsciously as a coping mechanism. Many parents might experience denial, isolation, and overwhelming guilt as they navigate their own struggles.

However, it’s not about what happens to us, but rather how we respond to it and what we learn from our experiences. If one or both parents show symptoms of an eating distress, it’s a sign that change is needed, not guilt. Focus on learning rather than reacting.

Parents who are not fully recovered often experience heightened anxiety and fear regarding their child's well-being. This anxiety can manifest as over-focusing on what their child eats and how much, even from an early age. Parents struggling with an ED might become overly concerned with their child's happiness, viewing any distress or crying as negative. However, children need to experience some amount of distress as part of their growth; it’s essential for them to learn from it. They also need to feel safe during these moments of distress, which cannot come from an anxious environment.

We live in an age with an overwhelming amount of information on parenting. This influx of advice can be confusing and anxiety-inducing, often contributing to overprotectiveness and fragilizing in parenting. It is crucial to learn to trust in your child’s future. A mother or father experiencing an eating distress may find it challenging to believe in herself/himself, which can make it even harder to believe in her child, her/his recovery and their potential.

If your child starts to show symptoms of an eating distress or you notice that they feel not good enough, it can become a powerful motivation for your own recovery. We could list countless challenges parents with ED face, but we have also learned that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

From our extensive experience, we’ve found that children of parents who have fully recovered from eating distress often have one of the quickest recoveries. Here’s why:

Awareness and Calmness

Recovered parents notice symptoms earlier but do not react with panic. They avoid self-blame and over-analysing what went wrong. Instead, they focus on believing in complete freedom and channel their energy into learning and planning what to do next.

Therapy and Home Environment

These children often require fewer therapy sessions because their parents, having experienced recovery themselves, are fluent in the language of freedom and reassurance. They pass this understanding on to their children at home.

Focus on Learning, Not Labels

Recovered parents do not weigh their children or view recovery as merely a weight issue but as an opportunity to learn to navigate sensitivity. They are more patient, giving their children the time and space to grow without rushing to apply diagnostic labels.

To summarise: if your child is showing signs of eating distress or emotional distress, it's time to invest more energy in your own recovery. The more you heal, the easier the recovery journey will be for your child. There is no room for guilt; guilt is a luxury you can’t afford.

Think of it like the oxygen mask on an airplane: to save your child, you must secure your own mask first. Seeing symptoms of distress in your child can be a sign that you deserve more self-care and support than you’ve given yourself in the past.

Remember, recovery takes time, but everyone can achieve freedom from eating distress. Promise yourself that you will be free. You and your child deserve it. Working on your recovery is the best investment in your child's emotional well-being.

Always choose hope.

There could be so much more written on this subject, but we leave it for the next time.

Thank you for reading it.

M & J

As you continue on this journey, be compassionate with yourself, stay open to learning, and practice replacing unhelpful thoughts with more balanced perspectives.

Visit us here for Weekly Wisdoms and information on how to start experiencing more emotional Freedom